My First Time

Home sweet home! Though getting here was ludicrous...McKeesport got bitch slapped with snow and little old me would have been stuck if not for that trusty ice scraper. (Thanks, Danny!)

After searching multiple blankets of snow, i found the one which i believed had my car underneath it. After almost an hour of scraping and brushing...and crying because I got snow in my eye...I came to the realization that the white mass did not cover my car, but was simply just a pile of snow.

I located my car (I used my alarm to find it this time) and started the process over again. The cleaning guy from our dorm came up to me and saw that my plates were from Texas. He then began to offer some advice for driving in the snow:

"Now the best thing you can do is just to drive slow and take it easy. If you start to rush, you will only hinder yourself."

"Buzz off!" I told him. "No one asked you! I'll drive as fast as I want! Don't you have a cup of piss to clean up?"

I mean, seriously, how hard can it be? I really don't think I need an older, wiser, more experienced man giving me pointers. I mean I've been driving for a whole year! I think I know what I'm doing. After flicking him off and making a sexual remark about his mother, I began my journey home.

So, in my mind, I was assuming that the slippery ice on the roads would make my car move faster, and if I speed up instead of listening to that old janitor, I could make it to the airport in record time. Now for those of you who didn't already know, it doesn't work that way. And for those of you who did...WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU TELL ME!?

After several near-death experiences, I had made it out of the residence hall parking lot. For those of you who aren't from Penn State, there is a big fucking hill on the other side. I wasn't too worried about this, though. I figured: I'll let the car do its thing and if i end up crashing at the bottom, oh well! Worst case scenario, the resulting explosion will melt the ice and it will feel just like the log ride at Six Flags.

While I'm pretty sure I didn't start going down the hill backwards, I ended up at the bottom facing the wrong way. I probably shouldn't close my eyes while driving anymore...but then again singing to Celine Dion isn't quite as satisfying with your eyes open, is it?

Halfway through my drive, I got stuck and I realized that I should have listened to the cleaning guy. I'm almost certain that he mentioned something about what to do when your car is teetering over a cliff. I realized getting out of this would be a bit tricky. But I was in a lazy mood, so I grabbed my bags from the trunk and walked the rest of the way, making sure I remembered which cliff I left my car hanging from.

Um...yes I do expect it to be there next year.

I got a lot of offers from passing cars for rides to the airport. I of course refused. Hello! Does it look like I need help? Some people just can't keep their noses out of other people's business.

I arrived at the terminal an hour before my flight. I had just enough time to find customer service and complain about the fact that the Pittsburgh International Airport was virtually inaccessible to people commuting on foot.

I made quite a scene, but I wasn't nearly as annoying as the prerecorded warning on the moving walkways.

"Caution the moving walk nearing its end. Please attend to children and watch your step. Thank You"

(Yes I memorized it! There was nothing else to listen to while sitting at gate D77, except some girl named Angelica who decided to burden the lady next to her with her life's story)

Now I wouldn't say that driving in the snow was a hassle because I know what you would say:

"Get used to it!"

Fuck that! When am I ever going to need to drive in the snow again?

Impromptu Pickup Lines

Sort of an uneventful day. I am the last one of my friends in the dorms and I had nothing else to do tonight but think of crappy pickup lines. These are intended for guys to use on girls. Using any of these with that "special someone" guaranteed to scare her off for good.

Enjoy!

1. I'm not exactly dressed to impress, but I will still try!!
2. I tried to break into the Pentagon once...Let's just say your pants will be an easier target.
3. I not a big fan of your polka-dotted socks, but I'm sure I can grow to love them.
4. Wanna go clubbing? I promise not to hit you too hard.
5. The death penalty is wrong, but I can make an exception for my virginity.
6. My wrist is broken so I will need your help tonight.
7. My mom is going to love you!
8. I built a computer once, making baby should be just as easy.
9. I would love to take you out to dinner, let me just ask my wife if it's OK.
10. You look like you know your way around a dick.
11. I noticed your boyfriend is gone for the week. You need a more complex facebook password, by the way.
12. I want you to tell me your deepest desires...while gagged.
13. You say you like guys with tattoos, huh? Well check out the unicorn on my bicep!
14. Man, I really wish I had that remote from "Click". Then I could fast-forward through this whole talking thing and skip right to the sex.
15. What's your favorite anime?
16. Is it hot out here or is just me wishing I was you?
17. Dinner is on me! We can go anywhere cheap.
18. You've probably never heard of me, but I'm pretty awesome.
19. People tell me I suck, but I'm hoping you do too.
20. I've been called many things, but never a "muskrat scrotum"...Touché, my dear, you are clever enough for me!
21. Wanna go down to Bourbon Street? I hear it's a great place to pick up chicks.
22. At 18, I don't really feel grown up...but my penis does after seeing you.
23. It's 11:11 and in order for my dream to come true I will need you to remove that shirt immediately.
24. "Where the Wild Things Are" actually takes place in my pants.
25. I have to warn you: I only have enough herpes medication for myself.

These were all made up by me. If I think of any more, I shall post them. Please comment and follow, my blog is a bit lonely. :(

Stacy's Mom's Daughter

So I have been on a bad luck streak for a while now. But today, everything seemed to change almost instantly. Had I finally endured enough B.S. to warrant something wonderful happening to me?

Some background info is needed before I explain what happened:

There is this girl that I absolutely adore here on campus. Now I usually jump at any chance to chat it up with a female I find as gorgeous as this one. (It's not that I am shallow; in fact I feel I am much less perverse than my peers. I am more of a romantic, a Romeo of sorts searching for his Juliet...minus the dying.)

To the contrary, I cannot seem to build up courage to talk to her. I have talked to her before, though, and she is very laid-back, cool and collective...that sort of girl. One that is feminine enough to be my girlfriend, but tom-boyish enough to be my friend. She is not my friend, however, though we are pretty good acquaintances, if that makes sense... For example, I have made a few innuendos at which she has genuinely laughed:

"Volleyball game tonight?" I ask.

"Yea, you should come" says Stacy(Great name, huh?)

"Well I might...are you going to make it worth while?" I wink as I say this part. Girls like my wink.

"I will! We are going to win" she says, with that adorable smile of hers.

I sigh. "I'm not talking about volleyball, my dear."

At this point I feel almost retarded and I run up the stairs. I regret not knowing how flirtatious that conversation could have gotten.

With all that in my mind, I shall attempt to describe my "best day ever":

It was a normal day as I walked down to the cafeteria. (Well, drove down...but who the hell walks anymore?) I met up with Stacy, unexpectedly by the way, and her inseparable friend who always cramps my style. We chatted for a while, (Stacy and I that is, I don't wanna talk to her friend), then she invited me to go to a movie with them.

Of course I accepted the invitation! You think I'm going to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime? Nuh uh!

No way!

As we were riding in the car, she continued chatting with me and we were both thoroughly ignoring the third wheel in the driver's seat. Stacy gave me a look as if she was saying "I know she's lame but she is my only mode of transportation" to which I replied with an understanding nod. I had no idea which movie we were going to see, but it didn't matter: Avatar doesn't come out until Friday. (Maybe I will ask Stacy to go see it with me, I thought)

Everything was going quite well. Stacy flashed me a countless number of her trademarked smiles and lost myself in her eyes more than once.

I felt sincerely happy, something I have not felt for a very long time. Finally the darkness of the past three weeks had been lifted and a ray of sunshine illuminated the beautiful world around me! All of the crap that I had to deal with up until now was definitely worth just experiencing this moment. I honestly felt in my heart that maybe she was the Juliet for me.

...but then I woke up.

(And just in time to fail a Physics exam!)

A Little Bit About Me

Hello all,

I will use this first post as an introduction of myself and the purpose of this blog.

This is my first ever blog so do not expect flawless rhetoric or inspiring commentary. While I am not an advocate of social networking, (I believe it makes socializing much less personal), I have created this blog to discuss and entertain.

I first got the idea from Amy Adam's latest movie "Julie and Julia." The main character writes a blog in which she dedicates her time trying to not only master the collective recipes of a cookbook, but also intimately relate her life to that of the author's. (Portrayed by Meryl Streep)

While quite heart-warming, these intentions are far from my own. This blog is intended to describe what seems to be a pattern of bad luck throughout my life and my hopefully humorous interpretation of it.

A little bit about me:

• I am currently a student at Penn State aiming for a degree in Astronomy and Astrophysics
• I am quite a gamer; I am rather skilled on the Guitar Hero and am always looking for a challenge
• People tend to find me quite comedic with a suitable and witty sense of humor
• Some of my skills include: eating, clicking (remote or mouse), procrastinating, and applied calculus

Before I hit the "Publish Post" button down here, I would like to thank my friend Rachel for whom this blog was originally composed.

~Ash