My First Time

Home sweet home! Though getting here was ludicrous...McKeesport got bitch slapped with snow and little old me would have been stuck if not for that trusty ice scraper. (Thanks, Danny!)

After searching multiple blankets of snow, i found the one which i believed had my car underneath it. After almost an hour of scraping and brushing...and crying because I got snow in my eye...I came to the realization that the white mass did not cover my car, but was simply just a pile of snow.

I located my car (I used my alarm to find it this time) and started the process over again. The cleaning guy from our dorm came up to me and saw that my plates were from Texas. He then began to offer some advice for driving in the snow:

"Now the best thing you can do is just to drive slow and take it easy. If you start to rush, you will only hinder yourself."

"Buzz off!" I told him. "No one asked you! I'll drive as fast as I want! Don't you have a cup of piss to clean up?"

I mean, seriously, how hard can it be? I really don't think I need an older, wiser, more experienced man giving me pointers. I mean I've been driving for a whole year! I think I know what I'm doing. After flicking him off and making a sexual remark about his mother, I began my journey home.

So, in my mind, I was assuming that the slippery ice on the roads would make my car move faster, and if I speed up instead of listening to that old janitor, I could make it to the airport in record time. Now for those of you who didn't already know, it doesn't work that way. And for those of you who did...WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU TELL ME!?

After several near-death experiences, I had made it out of the residence hall parking lot. For those of you who aren't from Penn State, there is a big fucking hill on the other side. I wasn't too worried about this, though. I figured: I'll let the car do its thing and if i end up crashing at the bottom, oh well! Worst case scenario, the resulting explosion will melt the ice and it will feel just like the log ride at Six Flags.

While I'm pretty sure I didn't start going down the hill backwards, I ended up at the bottom facing the wrong way. I probably shouldn't close my eyes while driving anymore...but then again singing to Celine Dion isn't quite as satisfying with your eyes open, is it?

Halfway through my drive, I got stuck and I realized that I should have listened to the cleaning guy. I'm almost certain that he mentioned something about what to do when your car is teetering over a cliff. I realized getting out of this would be a bit tricky. But I was in a lazy mood, so I grabbed my bags from the trunk and walked the rest of the way, making sure I remembered which cliff I left my car hanging from.

Um...yes I do expect it to be there next year.

I got a lot of offers from passing cars for rides to the airport. I of course refused. Hello! Does it look like I need help? Some people just can't keep their noses out of other people's business.

I arrived at the terminal an hour before my flight. I had just enough time to find customer service and complain about the fact that the Pittsburgh International Airport was virtually inaccessible to people commuting on foot.

I made quite a scene, but I wasn't nearly as annoying as the prerecorded warning on the moving walkways.

"Caution the moving walk nearing its end. Please attend to children and watch your step. Thank You"

(Yes I memorized it! There was nothing else to listen to while sitting at gate D77, except some girl named Angelica who decided to burden the lady next to her with her life's story)

Now I wouldn't say that driving in the snow was a hassle because I know what you would say:

"Get used to it!"

Fuck that! When am I ever going to need to drive in the snow again?